April 1, 2022 – If you’re familiar with my work on Safe Withdrawal Rates, you’ll know that the number one concern for retirees is Sequence of Return Risk. Well, hopefully, this will soon be a thing of the past. I’m now ready to announce the complete “retirement” (pun intended) of my Safe Withdrawal Rate Research because, after years of research and a partnership with some of the most impressive crypto experts, I have finally developed a way to completely(!) hedge against Sequence Risk, once and for all.
Introducing the revolutionary, proprietary, trademarked Sequence-Hedged Investment Token™ Coin. Guaranteed free of Sequence of Return Risk! It’s safe for retirement, it’s safe for accumulating assets. A patented and trademarked revolutionary crypto technology solution to guarantee a risk-free retirement! With tax advantages, too!
Let’s take a look at the details…
Partnering with the math wizards at CalTech’s Madoff School of Applied Computer Science we developed a coin with a guaranteed, inflation-adjusted return of 4%, which would ensure a 4% safe withdrawal rate when planning asset preservation or a 5+% safe withdrawal rate if you’re comfortable with at least a partial asset depletion.
To get the word out we got some of the biggest names in the influencer scene out there, like Jake Paul, Soulja Boy, and Lil Yachty who just recently had their wildly successful “SafeMoon” crypto token launch.
Let’s get the SHIT™ show started!
But it gets even better. As we speak, we’re doing research on an even more powerful coin, a “stable+” coin with a 6% guaranteed return. The even more advanced “loaded” blockchain technology will soon give rise to the Sequence-Hedged Investment Loaded Ledger™ (SHILL™) coin. Also trademarked!
Let’s get SHILL™ing, everybody!
* * *
OK, before I get angry comments and hate mail, this is obviously an April Fool’s prank. I just like to raise awareness of how pervasive crypto scams have become. They often have the same modus operandi, namely a well-known influencer marketing some worthless crypto asset, either a coin or an NFT, and after all the unsuspecting investors plowed in their money, the developers run away with the cash. It’s even easier than the age-old penny stock pump-and-dump because, by construction, the crypto assets are already in the hands of the developers. There is no need to buy an illiquid asset before the “pumping” like in the case of penny stock scams.
What always amazes me is that for relatively little money, internet personalities are willing to jeopardize their reputation. For example…
- Above mentioned Jake Paul, Soulja Boy, and Lil Yachty, are now defendants in a class-action lawsuit over the scammy “SafeMoon” tokens.
- Floyd Mayweather has a history of one pump-and-dump after another. Didn’t he make $300m in his 2017 fight? Did he spend all that money already that he has to raise more cash in this crummy way?
- Kim Kardashian promoted EthereumMax back in May 2021 and was paid a six-figure sum. The coin is now essentially worthless.
- And many more. Check out the Coffeezilla YouTube channel for countless other examples.
So, stay vigilant, everybody. The only explicit investment endorsement you’re going to see on my blog today is for FZROX and FNILX, the domestic Fidelity zero-expense-ratio equity index funds.
Also, please check out my prior-year April Fools Day posts:
- 2018: Does Big Ern really exist?
- 2020: The Ultimate Tax Hack: We Are Moving To Monaco!
- 2021: The Entire Safe Withdrawal Rate Series: to be published on TikTok!
Good one ERN! Happy April Fools Day!
Happy April 1! 🙂
Darn. Just when I breathed a sigh of relief… Does this mean that I *still* have to worry about the 4% rule? Darn.
Sorry, you have to come back here and read my “darn” ramblings on Sequence Risk!
Now, this post will set a few heads spinning. Great hoax!
Thanks, Mark! 🙂
This is fantastic. How could anything go wrong with Caltech behind this new SHIT coin? Let me know when it is available – I’m ready to start shoveling it in to asset allocation!
Shovels standing ready here, too! 🙂
I ran the SHIT™coin through ERN’s SWR sheet using a modified Meb Faber 10,000 MMA (Millisecond Moving Average) signal, alternating between it and 500-yr U.S. Treasury bonds, and it showed a SWR of 42%, with the low experienced April 1, 2116.
It’s all sound analytics here. Let’s party like it’s 2016! 🙂
2016? 2016!! You’re way behind the times! And here I thought you were *so* the future with your SHIT™ coin. Sorry, in that case, you are totally cancelled… 🙂
Haha! 🙂
Each of these April Fool’s jokes are great, because they basically write themselves with how absurd the world is =)
Yes, that’s a true. Sometimes yesterday’s satire newspaper headlines are today’s news.
How I wish that was true ! But it’s april 1st
Let’s keep wishing, though… 🙂
I would never take advice from someone with silly names like Soulja Boy or Lil Yachty. That’s your first red flag for investing disaster.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Big Ern reading to catch up on…
Haha thanks arcyallen! And the names aside, they are probably not fiduciaries either… 😉
Oh, I’m so angry at you Mr. Ern! Instead of writing about never seen inflation, you started to sell some scam coins!
Sincerely
Aprils Fool
I’ll come on your show to talk about inflation. That’s is really you, Joe, right? 😉
Remember the days before a disclaimer had to be added?
Ahhh, missing those days back in 1776… 🙂
Good one! At firstbthought you had been hacked!
Whew! Those Macedonian hackers try every day. Would have been crazy if they’d succeeded on April 1, of all days… 😉
How I wish something like that really exists but… Live if hard my friend. Back to f work
Yeah, back to something more productive! 🙂
Loved it!!!. I actually went looking for your post this morning and as usual was laughing.
Haha! Set your alarm for 1am PDT on 4/1/2023! 🙂
Ok, Boomer… why would I settle for 6% real return on your untested SHILL coin when I can easily earn 20+% nominal using staking and DeFi lending?
Two can play at this April Fools game 😛
Wow. I should check that out. Maybe we can boost the yield through securities lending! 😉